“All you really gotta do is make some decisions and stand by 'em. But here's the truth. Either you choose the business, and nothing that stands in its way can survive. Or you choose people, family.” - Alimi Ballard as Marcel Dumas in “Queen of the South”
“Why is it that he is allowed to be a father and a husband and a businessman, and I am not?” - Camilia Vargas
It can be lonely at the top, whether you're a SAHM who finally has the family she dreamed of having or a multi-millionaire gangsta principessa running a drug cartel. Some of my oldest memories are lying awake at night upstairs in my Grandma and Grandpa Daly's farmhouse listening to “Walker Texas Ranger” playing on TV downstairs. I grew up in a house that was close to a shooting range, and telling my college roommates about the “peaceful gunshots” that would lull me to sleep is a memory filled with laughter. I've always been a lover of drama in film. Although I've never condoned violence, I've spent much of my life becoming comfortable in its presence, to one degree or another. Most people who are comfortable hearing gunshots are of a different breed.
Enter Teresa Mendoza, THE Queen of the South. It wasn't until the second episode that this show took me captive, kidnapping the scraps of free time I get as the mom of a one-year-old. I couldn't get ENOUGH of these strong, powerful female leads and the non-stop adrenaline I had discovered in my quest for a new Netflix show to lose myself in. I've always been drawn to a strong female lead! Legally Blonde was one of my favorite movies growing up, and I love a good rags-to-riches story (Glitter and Hardball were other faves). Watching the underdog come out on top is so satisfying!
There's a fascinating struggle between the saint in Teresa - the sweet, nurturing, motherly side of her - and the super ambitious business tycoon who is determined to never be the underdog again who has more money than she knows what to do with. Brave, smart, determined - I don't think it's a coincidence that my cousin who is one of my best friends is named Terese. She's loyal and as honest as she can be, while still trying to uphold her boundaries so she can stay alive. Teresa does the business AND the BUSINESS. She kills in the meeting and in the streets if necessary.
For as much of a sweet escape as it is, at times this show feels too much like real life with the nonstop problem solving and action, and I catch myself thinking, “Ok, I need a BREAK from this; I just want to relax for a little while!” (that's when I watch "Virgin River" - you can read about it in my previous blog post).
I'm reminded of the years I spent as a staff and volunteer recruiter for Electric Forest. We all worked under the same large umbrella but managed our own workers. I was always pretty successful at bringing in the right amount of people and making sure those people did their jobs and didn't cause any major problems. It seemed like everywhere I went, people knew who I was, and I quickly realized that managing dozens of people and being part of an even larger network of different teams meant constantly having to answer questions and fix problems. I was immediately thrown into that role again after my son was born! Nothing can truly prepare you for having kids until you have your own, but my experience working as a manager in that environment (I mean, anything goes at an event of that caliber – there are many unpredictable situations, and you have to be able to adapt; whether it's trying to talk some sense into a belligerent camper or getting everyone to take shelter in safe areas while a storm passes through) really prepared me for the never-ending workflow and the surreal feeling of being in an alternate reality that is motherhood. Is it ironic that ravers often call other women “Mama?” At this point in my motherhood career, I'm thinking not.
"Pain can make you strong or it can make you stupid" – Teresa as The Queen
As the universal “hardest job,” becoming a mother can motivate you to change your bad habits and be more efficient and productive, or it can stop you in your tracks. I was constantly reminded of time management tips and aspects of motherhood while watching “Queen of the South.” I was fascinated with the relationships between the women - there's Mama energy in every dark corner! Just when you think a character's on their own, a mother figure appears. This is the most badass study of mother-daughter and mentor-pupil relationships that I've ever seen in film.
Teresa is so confident in her abilities (or is she just a brave, risk-taking adrenaline junkie?) - a modern day superwoman vaguely reminiscent of Peter Pan's charitable character. With 80's synth music pounding in the background as she drives a blazing fireball of a van through the desert, this show had a death grip on my heart, and I just couldn't turn away. No matter whose side you're on, you want Teresa with you. We've all heard about the stripper with a heart of gold. Well, Teresa is the drug dealer with a heart of rhodium; the most wholesome badass. I'm not even going to get into the storyline between Camilla and Isabella. Every single episode features strong, smart, ambitious women. This is girl power to the max! Here are some skills for success you can learn from these women, whether you are a cartel boss or a mother or anyone trying to get the most out of their life:
Strategize
“How are we gonna navigate a playgroup and nap time?” “How are we gonna make it to SZA and Krewella?!” “How do we kill our competitor, make it out alive, AND not get caught?” These are the questions we ask ourselves everyday. Cartels are excellent at strategizing and prioritizing (let's just put it this way – the ones who know how to effectively prioritize are still alive).
Even Teresa's clothing choices are strategized for optimal success and minimal risk. She shows enough skin to get you interested while remaining mostly covered up. She exudes this “Don't mess with me; there's way more that you can't see and don't have access to YET. You'll be lucky if you even get a glimpse of the rest” vibe (stay tuned for a blog post focused on the fashion in "Queen of the South").
"If we were in water, I'd want a fast boat. Same rule applies here. If we're gonna kamikaze this b*tch -"
"-we need good cars. Fast as we can get."
"I got just what we need"
Taza came in clutch in this episode!!! Screech! Clunk! Stop! One minute I'm reading “Llama Llama Zippity-Zoom” to my son, and ten minutes later after putting him down for his nap I'm watching this scene, and my mind instantly drifts to GridLife. I CANNOT WAIT to bring my son there when he gets older! While I was pregnant, I watched a tarot card reading on YouTube that said my future child would probably be very interested in cars and driving, and so far that seems to be true. As a mom, you are constantly thinking about the future. Things go more smoothly for everyone when you have all your supplies (diaper bag, fast cars, etc.) ready when you need them.
Be prepared, and aim to be early
There's something inspiring about watching a group of gangster drug dealers in a room draped in plastic waiting for their business meeting to start – everything and everyone perfectly in place early enough to allow them to adapt to a changing situation if things should go south. Get ready early. Be prepared. Being late could mean losing your life (or messing up the one break you get during the day while the kiddo naps).
"Never leave loose ends" - James
I take an extra minute to finish dishes even if my son is starting to fuss in his high chair so I don't have to come back to finish them later. As a mom, something as simple as listening to whining for a few minutes can save you from a larger feeling of being exhausted and realizing you still have a chore to do when you finally get a break during naptime or after the kids are in bed. Plus, BOUNDARIES. If the only breaks I get are when my child sleeps, I want to honor those breaks and rest or engage in a hobby (thank you, Mel Robbins for the tips!).
Negotiate
“Let's say I allow this extortion. How can I be sure no one gets this information if I let you leave?
"Because we know you would kill us" - Teresa
During negotiations, Teresa is a master at controlling and concealing her emotions, always staying focused on the main goal of staying alive. She's so compelling when pointing out what someone stands to lose if they don't work with her, rather than against her, even though part of her must be terrified during conversations with people who want her dead. She's a pro at channeling her inner queen to help her find the strength to get through difficult situations.
In the same vein, you need to have confidence when dealing with kids – you NEED to have a good poker face at the ready. Kids can sense your apprehension, which has been one of the hardest things for me. It's kind of hard to not wear my heart on my sleeve with ADHD. I have had more success running the business of motherhood and getting my toddler to adhere to “company standards” (such as laying still during a diaper change) by keeping my emotions in check and not putting on an interesting show with my angry face. The more anxious and upset you are, the more the toddlers resist. I really try to be lighthearted and have some fun while trying to accomplish a task. Changing clothes can become a game of, “Oh no, the pants are going to eat your legs!!” as you wrangle a kiddo's legs into their pants. A good poker face can help accomplish the goal of getting a toddler to comply with a diaper change just as much as it can help convince a competitor to spare your cartel some bloodshed after a shipment goes wrong.
Don't talk too much
As someone with ADHD who tends to talk too much, I envy Teresa's ability to say more with her eyes and her actions than she does with her mouth. You can learn a ton about anyone and be present in the moment by listening and trying to figure out what you can glean from an interaction, be it someone who wants you dead or someone who wants another cookie. Really try listening to your screaming toddler and try to put yourself in their shoes instead of letting your own frustration take over your mindset. They haven't been on this earth for very long and are learning SO MUCH every single day. Our children need us to help them remember, over and over again, that they ARE truly respectable, lovable individuals. Listening to them and validating their emotions can calm them down instantly. My family was playing in the yard the other day, and my son started crying when his dad went in the garage. I decided to try out some tips I heard from a Becky Kennedy podcast and was shocked at how effective they were! Saying things like, “Aww, you miss Dad, don't you? I miss him too. It hurts to not be around the people we care about, doesn't it?” calmed him down more than saying things like “He'll be back soon” (sometimes those type of problem-solving phrases kind of make me feel like they just cover up the emotion and connection in an interaction, dismissing emotions and keeping people at a distance when the real issue IS the emotions and how to process and deal with those in the present moment, not what your emotional state will be in the future (“you'll feel better when he comes back”). Using the validating statements, I felt like I could truly connect with my toddler and share a moment where we felt more like equals – we were two humans processing an experience together, and we both learned and grew. We made it through the situation together as a team, as opposed to all the times I feel as isolated as a cartel boss who knows people only care about her because of what she can provide to them and always has to be looking over her shoulder to try to avoid the next chaotic episode before it erupts.
“Don't take it personally – it's business”
Getting too personal will make you enemies and eventually get you killed in the drug world. Boaz is a great example of this. His character is basically evil, reckless emotion personified. At times it pained me to see Teresa keep him so close, but she knew what a loose cannon he was and that it might be more of a mistake to distance her business from him. Part of what makes parenting so hard is that everything feels so personal. You can babysit for years, but once you have your own kid, everything holds more weight. Every struggle, every tear, everything feels so personal and all-encompassing. Your own kids will reach into the depths of your soul and bring issues that you've always skirted around right to the surface where you're forced to deal with them directly or resign yourself to feeling miserable.
A Reddit post about toddler hacks informed me that telling my son his stuffed animal wants him to do something might entice him to behave. I was happily surprised with the results of telling my little wild boy that his sheep told me that he should lay still for the diaper change so he could be more comfortable. It worked! But how can I NOT take that personally? He'll cooperate for a stuffed sheep but not for me?! Child psychology tells us that it's really not that personal. Our kids can trigger us and bring anger to the surface in a way nobody has before, but it helps to know it's not personal; it's simply the business of learning how to be a human. Your one-year-old isn't trying to alligator-roll out of that diaper change as a personal vendetta against you. It's a lot easier to stay focused on the task at hand and remember your priorities (keeping your child safe, healthy, happy, and loved) when you know it's just business - not personal. Taking everything your child does personally will zap your energy and get you burned out as resentment grows.
Trust your partners and consider giving someone a second chance to prove themselves
“Revenge is like blinders on a horse. Keeps all the other avenues hidden from view.” - Judge Cecil Lafayette
When running a cartel, you have to be able to trust your partners. In a co-parenting partnership, that trust is so important. Try not to micromanage your partner when they help out - just be grateful that they are doing it and you're getting a break. Trust that the more often they do it, the more comfortable and familiar with the routine they'll get. Maybe they have methods that are different from yours, but ultimately at the end of the day, the whole goal is for your child to be safe, healthy, and happy. You have to think, "what's more important - that this task is done this specific way or that I don't get burnt out; that I feel like I get the breaks I need so that I can come back with all the love and patience that I can possibly offer this person I brought into the world?"
In the past whenever I imagined myself as a mother, I imagined having more “outside” help (a nanny or relative helping with childcare while I worked on building my businesses), but one of the most challenging things about motherhood has been how hard it is to ask for help, for one reason or another. In the beginning, my son was so young I wasn't sure how comfortable I'd feel leaving him with someone else for several hours. The bigger roadblock to getting that assistance has been the exhausting domino effect pattern of running out of time to reach out to someone and then getting caught up in tasks and then losing motivation and/or being too tired to try to schedule something for the future. Being so touched out and mentally drained that the only thing you want to do is check out of people-ing for the day – no talking to people, no thinking about people; just get lost in a favorite pastime.
As if moms don't already have enough on their plates, I came across a Lila Rose podcast that said it's actually best for a child's development to spend as much time as possible with their mother during the first three years of their life. Knowing that simultaneously makes me feel less pressured to do much besides childcare at this point in my life and discouraged that I need to put some of my goals on the back burner if I want try to be the best parent I can be.
Any avid film geek will agree that PTSD (post-TV-show depression) is real, but I actually had a great sense of closure after binging this show on Netflix. It was a great escape; just the WILDEST ride. Extremely satisfying to watch. It left me with thoughts of "What do I want out of my own life? What moves do I want to make? Now it's MY turn to go out and make my dreams come true!" I hope this post reaches everybody it's supposed to reach and that anybody who will be inspired by these storylines, characters, or actors is able to watch this show and apply these tips to their own life to make it the rich fantasy we all try to escape to at times.
Comments